The door clanged shut behind her as Jenny was escorted through the security station separating the offices from the rooms. Her bare feet slapped against the cold tile floor, her thin nightgown swaying with her hips as she walked. The guard held her tightly by the elbow, she assumed to keep her from running away. Jenny thought that was silly. Where was she going to run? This place was like a fortress, yet she had never felt like a prisoner. Still, she let herself be led. She trudged along down the seemingly endless hallway. She wondered where she was being taken. Was it Monday again already? When she had first come here, they had told her that her weekly appointments would be on Mondays with Dr. Carver. But she didn’t have a calendar and never knew what day it was. She just went where they told her. It was easier that way.

The fluorescent lights glared painfully overhead, buzzing and flickering. Jenny looked down at the floor to avoid the blinding glow. The guard squeezed her arm, turning her so that she was facing a nondescript wooden door. Dr. Carver was printed on the nameplate. He knocked and a voice from within said: “Come in.”

The guard opened the door and led her into the office. Jenny raised her head and looked around now; the light was quite a bit softer in here. The office was unchanged since the last week, same as always. Books were scattered everywhere, on shelves, on the large mahogany desk behind which Dr. Carver sat, some even on the floor. They were large volumes, and Jenny thought how heavy they must be. She wondered what he needed all those heavy books for. Did they tell him what was wrong with her? Would they fix her? Maybe they were about other patients and had little to do with her at all. The guard left the room at a nod from Dr. Carver. He would be waiting outside, she knew. Jenny sat down in one of the hard vinyl chairs facing the psychiatrist’s desk.

She didn’t speak, but continued to survey her surroundings as well as the doctor himself. The office was cluttered and warm. It seemed like it would feel safe to her if only it weren’t his office. She never felt safe in here. He always asked too many questions and pushed her too hard. But the carpet was thick beneath her toes and she began to knead it with her feet. It was reassuring to her, that feeling. It was a sensation she was no longer used to. Bare tile floors and hard metal beds had replaced any sense of comfort she had once known.

Dr. Carver studied her studying him. His dark eyes seemed soft and relaxed, but he never missed a beat. He was an astute observer, which was why he was so good at his job, and why he had been put in charge of this facility. Jenny was a strange case, and one he had yet to crack. She came in and out of real consciousness as if it were some sort of choice she made. Some days she would be present in this reality and others she would go away for a while to somewhere else inside her head. He had no idea why or where. It was his mission to find out, to bring her back and keep her here in the real world. The sooner she dealt with her pain and grief the better off she would be. He knew she was hiding from it and that would only prolong her illness.

Jenny stared at a picture on Dr. Carver’s desk. Her eyes welled with tears as she saw his family together and happy posing for the photo. Her own family was long since gone, destroyed in a fire that killed both of her parents and her little brother. She had been away at college when it happened and ever since, she had felt like she had deserted them. She felt as though she should have been there to die with her family. It had left her unable to cope with reality and had left her feeling utterly alone. She stared down at her lap, twisting her fingers around each other, trying to shake the memories Dr. Carver’s photo was bringing to the surface.

“Jenny,” Dr. Carver began. “How are you today?”

Her eyes swept up from her lap, back to the picture and then to the doctor’s face. He looked concerned and interested in her answer to his question. She thought for a moment, wondering how to answer. How was she today?

“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging slightly. “I don’t feel any different today. Should I?”

“Well, we did change your meds a bit, trying something new. I just wondered how you were responding to the change.”

“Oh.” Jenny looked around her. Meds. She hated the meds. She bit her lip, pondering, her face took on a worried expression. Her brow wrinkled and her mouth twisted. “I, um. I hadn’t noticed any changes. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, Jenny. No need to feel sorry. This is not an exact science and it may take us a while to get it right. That’s ok. I just need you to keep communicating with me so that I know when we’ve found the right dosage. Can you do that?”

He always talked to her like that, like she was a five year old. She was twenty-five and her mind no longer worked like other people’s. But that didn’t make her a child. She had been at the top of her class at school. She wondered if he even knew that. What did he really know about her? Even after all her time here, she was still a stranger. All he knew was what was in the manila file on his desk.

“I can do that,” was all she said.

“Good. Now, enough about the meds. Let’s talk about some other things. Have you found any of the activities you like to do yet? It’s been a while now so I thought maybe you would have found something fun to occupy yourself.”

“Oh. Um. Well, I do like to draw a bit sometimes. But I’m not very good at it, so I don’t like it all that much.”

Jenny shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

“That’s good, Jenny. What else?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really like to do much of anything. I like it in my room.”

Dr. Carver knew that it was when she holed herself up in her room that she tended to have her spells. That was when she would go away for days at a time.

“Why do you like it in your room?” he asked, trying to get some sort of reason or explanation from her.

Jenny chewed her lower lip. She didn’t want to talk about this. She didn’t want to tell him anything. She thought she should maybe make something up, placate him. Just as long as he stopped asking questions…

“Well I guess I don’t like it all that much. I mean, it’s MY room, so I like it obviously. I have to share the rec room with so many other people. And some of them scare me a bit. That’s all. There are some crazy people here, you know.”

It was a small attempt at a joke and Dr. Carver laughed.

“That is true, Jenny. You have a point.”

He knew she was evading him and that there was something she didn’t want to tell him. But he didn’t know what. He also knew better than to push. He could with some of the other patients but not with this one. She would simply shut down. So they moved on and discussed everything from the weather to whether or not Jenny wanted to go back to college one day to the latest gossip on Hollywood celebrities. Dr. Carver found himself reading entertainment magazines just to keep informed for his patient. She had loved the movies before the fire and that was the one topic she ever responded to with any animation.

When their designated hour was up, Dr. Carver told her he was happy with her progress and would see her the following week. Jenny said ok and stood to leave. As she turned toward the door, the doctor stepped out from behind his desk and touched her arm. He looked down at her with blatant concern in his eyes.

“Jenny, I want you to know you can trust me. I’m here to help you and I want more than anything in the world for you to get better. Do you know that?”

Jenny nodded.

“Good. Now you can come talk to me anytime you need to. It doesn’t have to just be on Mondays. I want you to know that my door is always open for you.”

He watched her leave with the guard, shaking his head. He could say that same thing over and over and she would never believe it. In her mind, she was alone in the world no matter who would try to help her or be there for her. She was unlikely to ever trust or get close to anyone again. He worried that she would get much worse before she would ever get better. He closed the door to his office and sat back down at his desk to do more research.

Jenny shuffled back to her room, the slap-pad of her steps echoing in the hallway. It was oddly comforting to her, that sound. It reminded her of childhood. A child’s bare feet slapping against the hardwood floors, chasing the family dog through the living room. She almost smiled at the rare happy memory, but before she could grasp it, it floated away. She was alone again. Tears filled her eyes and despair returned.

She went into her room and the guard closed the door behind her. She heard it lock. She sat down on her bed and stared at the wall. Her mind, reeling from her brief flash of before, wanted to shut down. She sobbed loudly, covering her face with her hands. She wondered if her pain would ever end.

When she lifted her head, her eyes were swollen and puffy from the tears. James sat next to her, his arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders.

“James,” she said. “ I missed you!”

“I know you did, love. I came back as quickly as I could,” he told her, his Scottish accent tickled in her ear. She loved to hear him talk.

“I’m glad you’re here now.”

She leaned against him, his warmth comforting. He wiped her tears away with his thumb and stroked her hair. As he held her, he rocked her back and forth, slowly and gently. He rested his chin on her head and whispered to her soothingly. She let him shield her from the world and relished in the strength of his arms around her. She looked up into his bright blue eyes and smiled.

“Hello,” she said.

“H’lo,” he replied. “How’s my girl doing?”

Her smile faded, only a shadow of it remaining.

“I don’t understand why you have to go away when you do. Can’t you just stay here with me?”

“We’ve been over it, love. I can’t stay here. You can come with me, though. Any time your little heart desires. You say the word and we’re gone from here, forever.”

Jenny looked down, her brows knitted together.

“I know. I just don’t know if I’m ready. I thought before that maybe Dr. Carver could help me. Like maybe I’d be normal again.”

James laughed gently. “You were never normal to begin with, love.”

Jenny smiled again, her face lighting up at his little joke. He always made her smile. He made her feel so safe.

He became serious and looked deeply into her eyes. He worried about her, she could tell. He studied her face for all the tell tale signs of her sadness. She was drawn and pale, laugh lines replaced with frown lines. Jenny thought if it took more muscles to frown than to smile she must have the strongest face of anyone in the world.

A wayward tear trickled down Jenny’s cheek, more from habit than any particular sadness. He put one hand on either side of her face and wiped the salty trickle of her despair away. He stroked her face, his hands soft against her skin. She stared up at him, hoping. He leaned in to kiss her and then he kissed her tears away, her eyes, her cheek, her nose. His lips met hers and it was devastatingly gentle. The lightest brush of his mouth found her lips. His hands cradled her head as he kissed her; he held her so lightly as though she might break. She was small and fragile in his arms, barely anything but skin and bones. He touched her as though she were the most precious thing on earth. She felt it in his fingers, in his kisses. She wanted him to engulf her, to take her away from all this.

James softly slid his hands down from her face. He caressed her satiny neck, kissing her more deeply. Jenny’s body began to respond and her arms went around him. She pulled him to her, wanting him to be closer, always closer. She wanted to never let him go.

He slipped her out of her nightgown and laid her down on the bed. The mattress beneath her was lumpy but she felt nothing but the weight of him on top of her, knew nothing but his breath on her skin. He looked at her, took her in with his eyes. She was beautiful, though she would never see it herself. He ran his finger from her lips down her neck to her breasts, continued down to her stomach. She watched him as he twirled his finger in circles around her belly button. It made her tingle inside, the way he touched her. She found his other hand and threaded her fingers through his. Grasping his hand tightly, her back arched as his fingers plunged into her sex. Her mind was void of thoughts then, she was at peace as he made love to her with his hand. She moaned softly with the pleasure of it. She was wet, her juices leaking out onto her bed. His fingers inside her worked their magic as she came twice before he relented.

Jenny pulled at his shirt, wanting his clothes off, wanting him to take her. James took the hint and did away with his clothes in a flash. He lay down on top of her, his member throbbing and dying to be inside of her glorious sex. Their eyes met as he slowly slipped into her. Jenny gasped, the joy of him enveloping her. She was hot around him, tight. His hands held hers next to her head. She moved beneath him, matching his rhythm and losing herself in this passion. He kissed her still, his tongue caressing and exploring her mouth. The gentleness of him slowly started to evaporate as their need for each other grew stronger and stronger. Jenny wanted him to devour her, she wanted him to take her so fully and completely that she would never have to wake up in this prison of her own making again. She knew she was ready now; she knew she would leave with him. She thought no more of Dr. Carver and his books or his medications, fruitless solutions to an unfixable problem. James was her answer. James would take care of her. He had told her he would, he had promised.

James sensed the change in her, the utter surrender. She gave herself to him, body and soul. She was his now. He thrust into her harder and faster, desperate to prove himself to her. Her legs went around him and he went deeper than ever before. He was so deep inside of her that he thought he would never find his way back out. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. They clung to each other in the throes of rapture, knowing that when it was over nothing would ever be the same. They came together, loud and brutal and intense.

James fell back against the bed, lying next to Jenny. They were both damp with sweat and breathing heavily. He pulled her to him and kissed her head.

“Come with me now?” he asked, almost afraid she had changed her mind.

“Yes, my love. I want to come with you. Take me away from here.”


Dr. Carver received an urgent page, the code on the display indicating that something had happened to Jenny. He jumped up from his desk and ran out the door, down the hall and reached her room as quickly as he could. The nurses had gotten there first and they stood worriedly about. They had no experience with this sort of thing, only knowing how to dole out meds and to do CPR when needed. The doctor burst into the room and saw her lying naked on her bed. Her eyes were open but stared blankly, her arm hung limply off the side of the bed. He knelt down beside her, took her pulse. Her heart still beat, slowly but steadily. He tested her pupil reflex, but there was none. He knew he would have her hooked up to several machines in order to test her brainwaves and her stats but he knew already what these machines and tests would prove. She was gone. He knew she would not be coming back this time. He affectionately brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes. He had failed her.